Saturday, November 9, 2013

Phone call with my mother

I had a phone call with my mom, with whom my relationship is tricky. She also doesn't believe in psych meds. Or that I have a mental illness, for that matter.

I'm not really sure how to define a mental illness, I'm not going to argue with her that I have one. But I do have the experience of depression, and at times hypomania and even mania, that becomes intolerable and stops me from leading my life. And my depression right now has been getting to that point.

But I didn't want to tell her that, because then she would only say that I shouldn't be taking all of these medications if I still feel this bad. I tend to agree- but I don't know what else to do. I tried going off of my meds twice (although not in the best way). The first time I become psychotic and wound up in four point restraints in the hospital, while the second time the depression, which I didn't think could get any worse did get worse, and I tried to kill myself.

She doesn't have any answers for me. Or at least, not answers that I agree with. I don't think I am possessed- one of her theories. I don't think a nutritionist will cure me. She once took me to a nutritionist who put me on a bunch of supplements- it did not stop my plummet into depression. And now I take more supplements than she does. I really do believe in them, but I do not think that they can do it all. Also- perhaps this is just the control freak in me- while my mom wants me to go to someone to tell me what to take- I feel like this is the the one thing I can "prescribe" myself, that I don't need to go to a doctor for. And I'm not going to give that up.

I know she wants to fix me. I'm guilty of the same thing, I want to fix her life. I can't. She can't.

No comments: