Compromise

I am going back up on the lithium, but not the Zyprexa. That is what I have decided. I can't take these mood swings into anxiety/irritability/depression in the afternoons anymore. I even tried not taking my afternoon Provigil, to see if that was a factor- but all that did was make me more more depressed on top of the irritability and anxiety.

I think it is the right decision. And it is better than taking klonopin every day.

Today at work a patient asked me about the scars on my arms. I really need to get better at responding to those questions- enough people have asked. I know he knew what they were. I just told him it was the past. And then he started talking about his depression. It was good.

It is the people who don't know- those are the people that I don't know what to say. Most of the people who ask do know, and it okay, and  sometimes leads to a good conversation. But when someone asks me if I have a cat, I just say I used to (it is true). I haven't figured out what to tell people who ask about the scars on my arms and don't know.

My scars aren't too terrible- I have seen worse- but they are not invisible. There was a time I would not wear short sleeves, at least amongst strangers. At my first job we wore lab coats, which I loved. And then eventually I got tired of long sleeves, and I realized that I couldn't go through the rest of my life with long sleeves- I started wearing short sleeves. The first couple of years I was so self-conscious. I was always aware. No longer. I have finally gotten to the point where I really have forgotten most of the time.

So these days I am a little shocked when people ask. And really, why would you say anything? It is a little rude. Except I remember the patient who asked me if I used to cut and how I stopped. She wasn't being rude. She wanted to know how to stop.

I still do want to cut occasionally- but not all the time like I used to.. I haven't in at least a dozen years, I think it is behind me. I wish I could get rid of the scars. But I don't wish that as much as I used to. I just don't think about it very much. Job interview, first date- yes, I am in long sleeves. But not for long.