Thursday, January 29, 2015

Depressed

I don't even know what to blame it on- there are too many things.

I had a talking to about my paperwork again on Monday. And I don't know why my paperwork is so bad right now when- until recently- my mood had been pretty good. It is like there is something broken in my brain. Or too much medication.

There is the reaction to the change in my Effexor.

There are the mixed emotions about online dating.

There is the physical stuff I have been dealing with- feeling feverish and exhausted towards the end of the day- I feel like I can barely make it home and then just want to lie in bed. I don't even know if I really have a fever- I take tylenol or Aleve at work so I can't take my temp when I get home. Sometimes my joints have really hurt- but that aspect has been improving. I haven't bothered to go to the doctor because I know all blood work will be negative- it always is- and I really don't have the energy to go to the doctor anyway.

So I decided yesterday I was going to quit my job in the spring and hike the Appalachian Trail. And then I decided I would wait a year or two- I need to be in better shape and I need to finish paying off my debts.

I don't know what I am going to do. I just want to cry. I don't even want to hike the Appalachian Trail right now- I just want to curl up in bed. But if I want to have a bed, I have to have a job to pay for that bed. That's really too bad.

I am just tired of everything right now and tired of trying. Tired of trying to keep going. Depression sucks.

2 comments:

paullamb said...

Depression sure does suck. I think my Wellbutrin and my therapist as making a difference, plus I'm going to a support group, but it's always there, always read to reassert itself and make my life a dark place.

I don't have any advice for you, of course. We all apparently must cope in our own ways. But I do understand the apathy part, the lack of desire to do anything.

Keep the faith!

Unknown said...

The good thing (and I know that it's hard to feel there are good things) is that it is almost February and soon the light will be better for you. I wish it could be treated so it just was gone too. I wonder what that must be like..
JMJ