Saturday, January 24, 2015

What do I want?

I joined this free online dating website- only to find that I am not even sure what I want. I had one phone call and several texts with one person, only to decide that it didn't feel right. Now I am in email communication with another- but wondering if I can ever have  a relationship with someone who writes u for you!

My two relationships when I lived in the city, I wanted so much more than they did. But now- I am not sure. I am not sure I have the energy for that kind of a relationship on top of work. I'm not sure I want it. I have grown so accustomed to being alone. I am not sure what I want. There was a time I thought I wanted it all- well, except for the children part.

Those first few years when I started working and got off of disability I was so hopeful. I thought that things could only get better. I was amazed at how far I had come, and that was a source of hope. So I thought that I could wish for normal things in the future.

But somewhere along the way I realized that many things weren't getting that much easier. My mood swings didn't disappear.  I didn't have all the energy I wanted to.

And I am getting arthritis in my right knee, and I am too young for this.

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