They say he was depressed. Two people on CNN were actually debating the wisdom of the advice "fake it 'till you make it," some of the earliest advice I was ever given when dealing with my depression. They said that in this case it failed. I'm not surprised.
A part of me can understand what he did- and that is scary. When I am severely depressed, my anger is usually not focused on any one person (although if an Aetna executive goes missing tonight I suppose I might be a suspect). But generally it is just anger at the world. The world that keeps going, and keeps expecting me to keep going, even though I am dying inside. I just want everyone to shut up. Laughter hurts. Asking me how I am doing or what I did over the weekend- when I spent it in bed- just go away. And I certainly don't want to hear all of the wonderful things that you did while I am wasting away. And I get irritable- I have no patience for anything or anyone.
But the difference is, I wouldn't do it. I'd like to think it is because I am not a violent person. But perhaps it is just because my depression stops me from acting- I shut down. I don't go and do things, certainly not anything as active as shooting people.
The day was harder than I expected. I had to take extra meds. I spent it mostly in bed- but did do one load of laundry- how many weeks has it been? I went to the mailbox, but no notice yet from my insurance company about the Provigil.
I thought I'd sleep with everything I took, but I didn't.
I have thought about cutting- and this is pretty funny. Now that I am an OT and remove sutures and do wound care, I find myself thinking that I need to sterilize the razor blades first. So maybe the whole thing isn't a good idea.