Saturday, October 25, 2014

Another school shooting

They say he was depressed. Two people on CNN were actually debating the wisdom of the advice "fake it 'till you make it," some of the earliest advice I was ever given when dealing with my depression. They said that in this case it failed. I'm not surprised.

A part of me can understand what he did- and that is scary. When I am severely depressed, my anger is usually not focused on any one person (although if an Aetna executive goes missing tonight I suppose I might be a suspect). But generally it is just anger at the world. The world that keeps going, and keeps expecting me to keep going, even though I am dying inside. I just want everyone to shut up. Laughter hurts. Asking me how I am doing or what I did over the weekend- when I spent it in bed- just go away. And I certainly don't want to hear all of the wonderful things that you did while I am wasting away. And I get irritable- I have no patience for anything or anyone.

But the difference is, I wouldn't do it. I'd like to think it is because I am not a violent person. But perhaps it is just because my depression stops me from acting- I shut down. I don't go and do things, certainly not anything as active as shooting people.

The day was harder than I expected. I had to take extra meds. I spent it mostly in bed- but did do one load of laundry- how many weeks has it been? I went to the mailbox, but no notice yet from my insurance company about the Provigil.

I thought I'd sleep with everything I took, but I didn't.

I have thought about cutting- and this is pretty funny. Now that I am an OT and remove sutures and do wound care, I find myself thinking that I need to sterilize the razor blades first. So maybe the whole thing isn't a good idea.

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