Sunday, October 26, 2014

I finally got out today

I had brunch with my dad and stepmom at a diner midway between us. Afterwards we went to Costco (irony of ironies), and I picked up some groceries. It was good to get out- until it wasn't. I just started feeling too bad with the gnawing in my stomach and my irritability. But at least I won't starve.

I came home and took half a klonopin and half a Zyprexa- and I am so surprised at how little effect this has had on me. OK, the klonopin I have been taking a lot of all week, maybe I am getting a tolerance- but the Zyprexa? I've only taken it a couple of times this week, and I don't really get a tolerance to it like that.

I tried watching a movie- I actually rented it from itunes, "The Zero Theorem," but it only annoyed me so I didn't get very far. A waste of money. What I really want is ice cream. Vanilla ice cream. Or even a milk shake. But not badly enough to go and get any- and I try to not keep that kind of stuff around.

I wish I knew the way out of this. Do I just have to wait it out? Take whatever meds I need to do to keep me sane until it passes? And then I read about ketamine infusions- rapid, almost instantaneous relief from depression. Not covered by insurance, of course, but what is these days? But even worse- the relief is short lived. It doesn't last. What a tease.

I guess the good news is that I do still want there to be an answer, a way out. A way to go on living. A way to have a life worth living. I just don't know if there is an answer for me.

Maybe it will start with vanilla ice cream. Maybe I will make it to the convenience store down the road. Good nutrition can wait.

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