Sunday, October 19, 2014

I don't want Monday morning to come

I have spent all weekend crying. I don't want to face everyone at work on Monday, and have everyone at work ask me what I did over the weekend. It isn't fair. It should be enough, if you are depressed, to get yourself to work and do your job. Having a good story about what you did over the weekend shouldn't be a part of the job requirement.

This Provigil thing has just pushed me over the edge. I can't stop crying. I do for a little bit, I pull myself together and tell myself I will do certain responsible things- and then the next minute I lose it. And I swear I will stop all my meds, etc. But I don't think stopping my meds is going very well because I have been having to take extra klonopin and Zyprexa just to make it through the moment. So much for mindfulness and DBT. What I really want to do is cut, more than I have in years. I can't believe how out of control my emotions feel, it scares me.

It is too bad it is winter. I have been thinking that I should quit my job and hike the Appalachian Trail. Clearly my life is not going well. And clearly I need to learn more life skills, like resilience. Plus- maybe by the time I came back, the price of Provigil would have dropped! But it is winter and if I quit my job I can't think of anything to do on the cheap.

I am too far behind on my paperwork- and my apartment is too much of a mess- for the ultimate out. But I have had some moments this weekend when those were the only reasons I could come up with not to.

Work will be good for me, I know that. Going to work on Monday will help to get my mind off of things. And hopefully I will get it together enough to work on the Provigil problem.

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