Monday, October 27, 2014

There are no gold medals for getting out of bed.

No medals for going to work when depressed. No Emmy awards for best impersonation of a sane person. Sometimes I think that there should be. 

Today was hard. It started out less hard, I think because I had more Zyprexa on board from taking extra yesterday- or maybe not. Who knows. I just know that I felt more agitated and irritable as the day went on- and then these wore me out and it turned into severe exhaustions along with the depression. I thought about leaving early- but never got the chance, patients kept coming. I thought I would run out of there at the end of the day, but people kept talking to me. And all the while, I was trying to do my best impersonation of a sane person.

I took charts home to finish- what was I thinking? I haven't touched them. The minute I got home I took half a Zyprexa and half a klonopin. I had drugs that make me feel less bad- but no drugs that make me feel good. I guess that is how it should be- you don't want to be getting your joy from drugs. But sometimes I'd just like to remember what good feels like, even if it comes from  pill. Because life isn't being very obliging. 

No news on the Provigil front. Last time I got a denial letter pretty fast from my insurance company. But so far no letter. I feel like I almost don't even care anymore. I am just tired of it all. I just feel so wounded, and I don't know how to make that feeling go away. How did I get so un-resilient? They could approve me tomorrow, and it would be too late. I am wounded, and I don't know how to heal. That is the scary thing- I really don't know how. 

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