I was really a wreck today. I was not in a good place at all. My therapist helped to get me a little bit unstuck and less willful. She got me thinking more about actions I can take.
What has been intolerable has been not knowing what is going on with my authorization. I have to make phone calls tomorrow to follow up. And I will probably have to break down and buy some pills so I don't run out by Friday. That is just too soon- I don't know what is going to happen yet.
And maybe I need to make an appointment with my psychiatrist to talk about other options- but first I need to see how this plays out.
The fact that I can now even think like this- is thanks to my therapist. I was just stuck all day. I wasn't feeling like I could do anything, like I wanted to do anything. And I was sure that I wasn't going to be buying any Provigil- I just couldn't bring myself to do it- even though I have room on my credit card. I was going to let myself melt into a puddle of depression this weekend and hope that I would come out on the other side.
Maybe I won't be so calm tomorrow. Today was really hell.