Friday, May 16, 2014

A hard day

It is a Friday, and I am worn out. And to top it off- I had to remake a splint for a patient, and I am hoping the material I chose (which I chose for comfort), will hold. I am feeling very anxious about it. The anxiety just really wore me out. And I am more behind on paperwork than I thought I would be- I really have to go in tomorrow. And I promised my dad that I would go help him with his bees on Sunday. I don't mind doing it except that the drive is so far that it takes the whole day. I just want to chill out.

I guess I am just complaining. And I also had a conversation with my step mother yesterday- I told her about the study about coumadin and schizophrenia. And then she made the comment about "maybe you can get off all of your meds someday." Which just bothers me more than it should.

She used to be the most pro-drug person in the world. And even just a couple of weeks ago when I was trying to cut down a little further on my Zyprexa, she told me that maybe I shouldn't mess with success. But she has become increasingly anti-med, and I can't take it. It it too late for me to go the no-med route, whether or not it was ever possible. And I can't feel like I am defending my use of meds to her of all people- who got me hooked up with all of her connections to these NYC doctors who prescribe tons of meds.

My mom is already against me taking meds. My dad doesn't say anything, I'm sure he wants me to do whatever my doctor says. But we don't really talk about that kind of stuff. It is my mom and my step mom who have opinions. I don't want them to have opinions. And I can't take all of the little comments that they make. I just have to not talk about meds.

In an ideal universe I would take less meds- maybe no meds. Who knows. I can't take a year off of work to find out. Not even just for financial reasons- my work is what keeps me going. Without that, I might just need those meds even more. Or maybe less. I don't even know.

I tried to find the email of the lead author of the study on coumadin and schizophrenia. I wanted to email her about my mother. I couldn't find the email- I am feeling very frustrated. I am just feeling frustrated and out of sorts today.

I want to go to sleep- but it is too early, and that just messes up my sleep for days. So I will try to stay up for a little bit longer. Arg!

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