I had two people at work wish me a happy mothers' day today. It was awkward.
I live in an area which is totally family oriented. It is rare to meet another woman who does not have kids- let alone a husband. It can be lonely. It can also really make me feel like there is something wrong with me, like I am deficient, incomplete.
There was a time- the first few years after I got off of disability, when it seemed like things could only go up- when I had a good job, nice apartment, even a boyfriend- and I started to think- if only this had happened a few years earlier. I could have had a baby. A family. And I got very sad about it, but I felt like it was too late for me- even though at 40, one man told me that I was not too old to have a baby. I was. Especially with all the weight I am carrying from the Zyprexa.
But I didn't have the right man. I was still struggling just to take care of myself. And then there were all those meds- which I would have wanted to stop entirely to have a healthy baby.
So no baby. And now, I don't even regret it. I am too old, have lived alone for too long, I am too set in my ways- I couldn't do it. I just couldn't. I see what my brother and sister-in-law do for a single child, and I couldn't. It is hard enough to take care of myself.
I guess I see my childlessness now more as a sign of my inadequacy. And a symbol of my illness. If I had not spent a good portion of my adult years in and out of psych hospitals, and if I was not taking a large number of medications that are not good for developing fetuses- I might have had children. But things are what they are, and not what we want them to be.
I shouldn't care what other people think of me. That only makes it worse.
I remember once when a colleague asked me when I was going to have kids, I told her that I had a medical condition that made it inadvisable to have children. She told me that I could adopt. In her defense- she was pregnant. But it really was none of her business. And I wasn't about to tell her that I had a medical condition that would make it difficult to adopt!