Sunday, May 4, 2014

Sometimes klonopin just helps

I am trying not to take klonopin anymore- mostly because it has rebound effects for me when it wears off, not to mention that it is sedating- although not too much at the tiny doses I take.. Still, with all the meds I take, the last thing I need is a little of anything more that is sedating.

But I have been having trouble sleeping the last two nights- and then last night took a little extra ambien to sleep. And then today I have had this terrible anxiety. Just awful. I didn't do thing things I wanted to do in the morning, I just couldn't do anything. I tried lying down, watching tv, reading, anything to distract myself. And then finally around 1pm, I broke down and took my one quarter of a milligram of klonopin- and I feel so much better. I think I'd feel better if I took the whole half milligram- but then it has been so long since I have taken that much that I think this would also knock me out. So I won't.

I definately have taken meds to knock me out before- but usually I have to be pretty depressed or manic. I'm not there. I am just a little depressed, mostly anxious. And the clouds and dark skies don't help- I need sunshine! That is what my mood needs.

I need to call my Grandmother. It is her birthday today. I am a bad granddaughter. I forgot. I forgot to order her flowers. But- this is really awful- I am finding myself thinking, on a philosophical level- does it matter if I didn't send her flowers if she isn't able to remember?  Because she really has very little short term memory anymore. She is 94.

I don't want to live that long in that condition, especially since I won't have children to take care of me like she does. She has her daughters who live with her in her own home. That's no so bad.

1 comment:

Unknown said...

I don't know if this answer will feel good or not, but honestly I have seen a lot of times when I worked in nursing homes that people with dementia were just confused by getting flowers to mark an occasion. In their minds it wasn't that day so it didn't make sense and they'd ask repeatedly where those lovely flowers came from. They were usually happy enough but it changed the routine and that is usually hard on them overall.