Sometimes klonopin just helps

I am trying not to take klonopin anymore- mostly because it has rebound effects for me when it wears off, not to mention that it is sedating- although not too much at the tiny doses I take.. Still, with all the meds I take, the last thing I need is a little of anything more that is sedating.

But I have been having trouble sleeping the last two nights- and then last night took a little extra ambien to sleep. And then today I have had this terrible anxiety. Just awful. I didn't do thing things I wanted to do in the morning, I just couldn't do anything. I tried lying down, watching tv, reading, anything to distract myself. And then finally around 1pm, I broke down and took my one quarter of a milligram of klonopin- and I feel so much better. I think I'd feel better if I took the whole half milligram- but then it has been so long since I have taken that much that I think this would also knock me out. So I won't.

I definately have taken meds to knock me out before- but usually I have to be pretty depressed or manic. I'm not there. I am just a little depressed, mostly anxious. And the clouds and dark skies don't help- I need sunshine! That is what my mood needs.

I need to call my Grandmother. It is her birthday today. I am a bad granddaughter. I forgot. I forgot to order her flowers. But- this is really awful- I am finding myself thinking, on a philosophical level- does it matter if I didn't send her flowers if she isn't able to remember?  Because she really has very little short term memory anymore. She is 94.

I don't want to live that long in that condition, especially since I won't have children to take care of me like she does. She has her daughters who live with her in her own home. That's no so bad.