There is this thing called environmental press- the demands of the environment. And my work if a very high demand environment. When I am not too lost I am helpful, competent, sociable, cheerful, supportive. Even chatty at times. And today this me batttled it out with the very depressed me, the me that wanted to flee to the staff room, that thought I was melting into the floor, blicking back tears, and didn't see the point in life. The me that got a glimpse of that dark place.
Work was not as stressful today in terms if things happening, I hope I wouldn't see the darkness today. But I did. I guess I should be glad that I could take a glance at that darkness and survive. I don't know, reallly, that I am going into another depression. I am just getting little bits of it here and there- and then it is bad. No warm, no introduction, it just comes.
But it has left me very tired. And taking too much klonopin- that was what got me through the day at lunch. I was to cut back. When? It is never the right time to to feel a lot better before I feel better. I am afraid that I am now taking enough that I might be getting withdrawal effects, which are making things worse during the day. I am talking a half milligram at night, and a quarter milligram during the day. Yesterday I actually took more than that- but I let it go too long before I took anything..