Tuesday, May 20, 2014

This is how it starts

I spent the first half of my day telling myself that I really wasn't depressed, I was just in a bad mood (again) and having a bad day. Whenever I have to tell myself I am not really depressed, I'm usually wrong. By the end of the day, I knew. This is depression.

Somehow I made it through the day. Treated patients. Did notes. Even went out for lunch and got some sun (didn't help too much). Most importantly I did not cry, although I could feel the tears welling up at times. But I have that black hole inside of me- I can't stand what I am feeling. I just want it to stop. I just want to stop feeling for a little bit.

So I gave in- I went up on the zyprexa- I don't know if it is temporary thing or a permanent thing, I just need it now. I want this not to be the answer, but I need to do something. And I need to be able to go to work tomorrow and function and not cry.

What I really wanted to do today, while driving home, was to cut. Even though I haven't done that in over a decade- when I feel really bad the desire is still there. Of course I didn't.  But it is good to know that it is there, if I need it.

I can think of a hundred reasons why I am depressed. I don't really care why- or know what to try to fix first. If I can fix anything. I just want this not to be happening.

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