I survived another day, and generally am feeling better. I did start getting that anxious feeling again in the afternoon- and I realized that I had an extra cup of coffee in the morning. It was only half-caf, and normally I can drink a lot more coffee with no anxiety, but perhaps not now. Or, perhaps it had nothing to do with the coffee. I took a quarter milligram of klonopin, and felt a lot better.
I am wondering about lowering my Zyprexa again. When I was doing so well, I thought well, I made my deal with the devil. I am actually functioning and doing things. I'll take the higher dose of this drug I don't want to even be on if it keeps me good. That was in July that I increased the dose. But if this quickly I have felt bad again- maybe the dose increase is no longer working, and there is no point in being on it. Maybe my brain has adapted. Or maybe it was never the Zyprexa- the lithium was raised at the same time.
I hate this trial and error system of psychiatry. There is no one who can tell me what my dose of Zyprexa should be. And whether I should go back down- so that I can increase it again in time of need- or stay on the higher dose to try to prevent future episodes, etc. I certainly don't trust clinical trials sponsored by drug companies to answer these questions.