Saturday, September 21, 2013

Can you will yourself not to get depressed?

I think I am falling. I was so depressed today, it felt so physical- at times I thought I would collapse. This can't be happening again, not so soon. I don't even know why I am depressed. Shouldn't you be depressed about something?

I made it to my splinting workshop, and struggled to be mindful. At times, just being there felt like agony. At one point, another participant asked if I was okay. I told her I was just tired. I don't know how I made it through the class, and the drive home.

Now I have collapsed into bed. I don't know what to do. I guess increase my light therapy. I am not ready for a med change, it is too soon. I hope it doesn't come to that. And I don't know what else to do to head off the steam roller of depression, I never have. There ought to be something to do when you see is coming, when it is just starting- but if there is, I don't know what it is. Other than meds.

This is the time of year for me to get depressed. Maybe that is all it is, the change of seasons. Maybe I need to move to the equator.

Maybe I should try to get myself to a yoga class tomorrow morning. And then go swimming.  It is a plan. Of course afterwards I have to go into work to do notes- I'm hoping the exercise will energize me and get rid of agitation and not exhaust me before I go in to work.

I don't know if this is a good or a bad thing: I can't take any klonopin right now. I wanted to take just a quarter milligram, to take the edge off things. But I can't find it- and I have two bottles of the stuff. That is how disorganized I am (and how rarely I take it recently). I have no patience to search- I started to, but that made me more agitated, which defeated the purpose of taking the klonopin...

I don't know if I should tell my psychiatrist this: yes, I do need another bottle, because I can't find the other two I have at home.

It was a good course today, and at least I wasn't crying- as I have been at a couple of other courses I've gone to when further into depressions. I was able to focus enough to learn. Maybe not enough to have the patience to make the best splints I have ever made, but enough to learn how to make them.

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