Sunday, September 22, 2013

How hard to push myself? I don't know.

I did find my klonopin last night, and took half a milligram- enough to get me to sleep- I slept 10 hours, and awoke sleepy but feeling calm. I decided to stay home, and not do the things I had planned. I napped, I read, I did little things. I really didn't feel too bad until mid afternoon, when the depression started to kick in again, but it was easier to bear than yesterday- because I didn't have to function.I didn't have that added stress.

Did I do the right thing? The wrong thing? I don't know. Maybe I should have made myself do something.

Tomorrow is Monday, and work. I don't know if it is going to make things better or worse.

Depression teaches you that you are not in control. You think you are in control of your life- one minute things are going well- and then the next minute you are in hell. And you don't know how to get out. All you can try to do is to survive.

I'm not having a lot of faith in meds right now. It's just that I've never know what else there is, when things get bad enough. I suppose the alternative is to just accept the feelings, and see the depression through- and hope you don't lose your entire life in the process.

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