Tuesday, September 24, 2013

Better but not good

Yesterday I inexplicably felt better. And the afternoon  jolt of anxiety did not hit me either- so I didn't feel the need to take a klonopin. Still some depression, but not as bad as the last few days. I don't know why I started feeling worse, and now I'm feeling better. Except that perhaps I am becoming a werewolf- and it was the full moon. I remember a couple of months ago another unexplained mood shift, and it was the full moon- and I said it must be a coincidence. But now it could be a trend.

I did blow off yoga yesterday though. I just had to go home and sleep. I did a lot of sleeping yesterday. Then this morning I had lots of strange dreams- but now I can't remember them too well.

It is one of my late mornings today, when I go in late because I work to the evening. I hate those days. It gives me time to get depressed before I have to go in, which makes it that much harder. I wish I had constant hours- but the only way to get that would be to work evenings every day, and then I couldn't take yoga or do anything after work.

I'm just tired of my life, I guess.

Missing yesterday's yoga was not good. I even drove by- I just couldn't get myself to go in. The past week it has been getting harder and harder to try to get myself to go. And I felt like it should be getting easier over time. It felt so discouraging, for it to be getting so hard- I starting feeling very discouraged and hopeless. Because when it becomes that hard to do things, I'm not sure it is worth doing things. So I just gave up and went home so I wouldn't have to think about the a future filled with things that feel so impossibly hard to do.

There is a DBT skill, opposite to emotion action. But I don't want my whole life to be opposite to emotion action. And when I am depression, I become scared that it will be.

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