There is this thing called environmental press- the demands of the environment. And my work if a very high demand environment. When I am not too lost I am helpful, competent, sociable, cheerful, supportive. Even chatty at times. And today this me batttled it out with the very depressed me, the me that wanted to flee to the staff room, that thought I was melting into the floor, blicking back tears, and didn't see the point in life. The me that got a glimpse of that dark place.
Work was not as stressful today in terms if things happening, I hope I wouldn't see the darkness today. But I did. I guess I should be glad that I could take a glance at that darkness and survive. I don't know, reallly, that I am going into another depression. I am just getting little bits of it here and there- and then it is bad. No warm, no introduction, it just comes.
But it has left me very tired. And taking too much klonopin- that was what got me through the day at lunch. I was to cut back. When? It is never the right time to to feel a lot better before I feel better. I am afraid that I am now taking enough that I might be getting withdrawal effects, which are making things worse during the day. I am talking a half milligram at night, and a quarter milligram during the day. Yesterday I actually took more than that- but I let it go too long before I took anything..
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One of the weirdest things anyone ever has said to me in the hospital was about environmental press although I did not know the words and will be remembering them for next time.
There's a man who does groups aimed at personal responsibility that are very well done and very good groups. However, he met me when I was in with akathesia caused by surgery. So his first impression of me was a woman standing in the corner bouncing and leaving the group to pace every few minutes. I seemed very high strung that time and probably defensive because I truly had not done anything to cause the hospitalization; I sought help when I should have, it just didn't work. So the next time I was in a couple months later he kept acting like he had me pegged as very uptight and serious. And at that point I WAS; I was suicidal and accepting that I was done working and that I had gone too far trying to work. He said I was a very intense person. Which I can be, but the sicker I am the more intense I am, especially when I'm trying to focus on something besides dying long enough to participate in group. I even told him that he only knew me in one environment and that I'm actually a pretty easy going person professionally and in safe relationships. (He redeemed himself later when he asked each of us what damage not treating our illnesses fully had done to our lives so that we were on the psych unit for Christmas and I answered what I had only said like 2 times before, that I had made choices that meant my career was ending. At the end of group he made a point of telling me that he knew what I did for a living and that he was extremely sorry for what I was losing, a confidential conversation in front of everyone else in the group that made me tear up because he meant it, he knew exactly how much it sucked. But I've never figured out why he thought I was any given way when he only knows me inpatient (which is undoubtedly my most intense ever because that environment makes me want simple freedoms back, like sinks that turn on with a spigot or the ability to see out a window or privacy or just not being on a tiny unit that I'm glad to be on but which has so little space. And I'm only there when absolutely sickest which maybe he doesn't know; maybe he thinks that is normal or that if I was that severe I'd be hospitalized more or something. I don't know.
I hope you are getting good rest this weekend.
Instead of trying to change meds again soon, could you set a time limit for yourself to let yourself just have time to rest on some dose, even if it's one you hate? Especially with the new thyroid thing. It seems like if you constantly fight the meds that you are inevitably not always going to be doing that doing the strongest times. I hope and pray daily that I can go back to 900 mg of Seroquel because the side effects at 1200 are rougher (I have a monster sunburn to prove it and I had factor 100 sunscreen on) but that won't be tried until 1200 has worked well for some time with no other huge stressors (since right now my life is full of those I won't be changing meds for a positive reason for quite a while even though I may do better).
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