I just watched "Snowpiercer" on-demand from my cable company. It was a good movie, but nothing that will stay with me. The ending just seemed to have come straight from the Matrix movies. But it was a good movie.
I am sleepy today, and maybe that is because I took a smidge more klonopin last night plus some benedryl. Yes, I am lowering my Zyprexa again. I think that the problems I have had at 5mg have really not been from the lower dose directly- but because I take more klonopin, especially to sleep, and then get rebound effects which set me off. So I am going to watch my klonopin use and taper if I have to take more than a quarter milligram, and hopefully I will be okay. If I am not okay- I will just decide I do need more Zyprexa and that will be it. But I have to test this theory.
I am already less hungry today. I only had lunch at 3pm. You wouldn't think that going from 7.5mg to 5mg would be that big of a deal, but it is. Yesterday, at the higher dose- I was so hungry that I pretty much had two dinners. 7.5mg is where my appetite peaks for me with Zyprexa. I don't think 10gm is any worse. Or maybe I am just so numb that I don't notice how hungry I am.
I told my step mother that I had gone down to 300mg on the Effexor. She asked me what the "next step" is. I don't know that there is a next step. My pro-med psychologist stepmother has become ant-med. At least for me. She said that meds are not doing what they used to for me. I really don't know what she means. When were they working better- when I was in and out of hospitals? I think that what she really means is that they didn't totally "fix me." They got me to work- but not to stability, not to a husband, etc. I think she expected more from all of these meds- from me on all of these meds. Sometimes I do too. But that doesn't mean I am getting off of Effexor.
Two psychiatrists tried to manage my depression without the use of antidepressants on the grounds that I am bipolar, and both times I went to such depths of hell for such lengths of time that I have no wish to try life off of antidepressants. That is actually how I wound up on Zyprexa- off of antidepressants I went into a psychotic depression- despite taking 3 mood stabilizers.
So Effexor, yes. Lithium, yes. Provigil, yes. Thyroid hormone, yes- especially since the lithium is making me hypothyroid. Zyprexa and Zonegran- I don't know. Probably yes at some dose, hopefully lower. And then something to sleep, maybe. I would love to be able to wean myself off of those. There was a time I slept without taking anything- but it has been a long time.
I hope I can sleep without taking so much tonight. I'll read or watch CSPAN book TV before bed. No movies- anything exciting will just wake me up. I make that mistake sometimes.