Wednesday, October 2, 2013

I want my mother to be happy

I saw my therapist yesterday, and was expressing my frustration with things with my mother. She is getting more and more overwhelmed by caring for her mother- and she is not dealing with it well. And then there are the usual problems she has with other family members, and her own history of illness.

She lives in a far away state. I can only listen and give advice. It is getting harder and harder to listen, and my advice is never followed. I think I see solutions, but they are my solutions. Not hers. I want her to be happy. I can't make her be happy. I hate seeing her unhappy, and to be unable to do anything about it.

Anyway, I felt like I had to defend myself to my therapist- why do I want my mom to be happy, why do I want to fix the situation, why do I want to make it better. She wanted to know, what is my need, my angle. Why should I have do defend myself on this? I just do.

But the truth is, a part of my wonders if she wants to be "happy." And if the chaos of being needed and in the midst of things has actually held her together in recent years, and that is why she hasn't been as bad as she was in the past. And maybe if things were "better," she'd fall apart. That is what I fear.

But my days of giving advice may be starting to come to an end. Her hearing loss is really getting more noticeable on the phone. She can't hear well on cell phones, and I don't have a land line any more. She wants me to get a land line, I want her to get a hearing aide. The problem isn't her, it is my phone. And my brother's phone- who also only has a cell phone. This last conversation I had with her she didn't hear a lot of what I said.

I stopped trying to talk to my grandmother on the phone years ago, because of her hearing loss. Now it may happen to my mother. These stubborn women don't believe in hearing aides. I swear, I will not be like that. When the time comes, I will get one- and the best one I can afford.

But mostly, my mother doesn't seem to understand that my grandmother is very old, and probably doesn't have too many more years. If she does, okay. If not- it is not her fault. And taking all these blood sugars, blood pressures, and generally trying to make the home a hospital is going to wear her out. At some point, she is going to have to let go. And let grandma let go.

I don't know if my mom is going to be able to leave grandma at all before the end. Because my aunt won't do as much for her- and they won't hire anyone. So mom can't go visit her grandchild. Or her daughter for that matter.

I am not going to visit any time soon. I was just there in July. It was overwhelming then- and I would handle things so differently. I just can't deal with it. I know my limits. But next July I'll be back for the 10K Peach Tree Roach Race (assuming I get in). I'll see them then.

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