Thursday, October 24, 2013

I'm becoming more high maintanence

It seems I have nothing but medical appointments recently. Yesterday the dentist- where I was told that I am grinding my teeth- to the point that a couple of them are loose. You actually have ligaments that help to hold them in place- I did not know this. So I need to have a mouth guard made. I am going back in two weeks for it. Fortunately, it is a covered benefit through my dental insurance, as it is pretty expensive.

Then next week I have my mammograms, and possibly an ultrasound of my left breast again. I have nodular tissue in my left breast that they are keeping an eye on- they keep taking great pains in the letters they send me to tell me that the tissue is abnormal but not necessarily in a bad way. So I have this again.

Three Wednesday afternoons in a row I am taking off for medical/dental. Thankfully we are very light at work.

In my really bad years, I never went to doctors or dentists (other than psychiatrists). I was young enough not to need any chronic medication- now I take high blood pressure meds. And when you don't know if you want to live, why would you do anything preventative? I wasn't together enough to think about medical appointments, anyway.

I had years I didn't get a mammogram because I was too depressed. Too depressed to go, and too depressed to know what I would do with the information if there was something suspicious. I didn't know if I wanted to live. I started going again last year- and then they told me about my left breast, and that I had to come every 6 months and get ultrasounds. I wasn't prepared for that. I thought I was just checking this off my list, doing what my primary care doctor wanted me to do.

During one of my worst depressions I became convinced I was dying of cancer. I took a very long time for that fear to subside. But just the memory of that conviction makes it a little more unnerving to get a mammogram.

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