Saturday, June 7, 2014

I did it again- scheduled a vacation for the middle of a horrible depression

Tomorrow I am supposed to leave for vacation. Today I cannot stop crying. I broke down and took klonopin, which did not help that much- only made me sleepy. Then I broke down and took a little bit of Zyprexa, which did seem to help. And I realized that I am taking TEVA zyprexa again. It seems that whenever I switch back to the TEVA brand I seem to have problems and seem to need more Zyprexa. It seems like they keep switching my brand of Zyprexa- more so than anything else. The problem with generics is that they can all vary a little, so that the variation between any two can be significant. I wonder if there is a way to request certain generics- or at least not to receive certain brands of generics for a medication.

The klonopin was a mistake- I am too tired to do anything, but still not able to sleep. It didn't even knock me out. I need to pack. I need to do laundry. I was just desperate. Desperate enough to take a little Zyprexa, which is the only thing that has made me feel a little bit better. I just want to sleep- so that maybe then I can get some things done. I was going to get a haircut before I went. Not going to happen. And a pedicure. No, I'll just polish my own toes.

Tomorrow it the busy day- I have a massage in the morning that I forgot about- and too late to cancel. Maybe a good thing- I am having neck pain. Then I have to go into work to do paperwork. Then to Costco to pick up my Provigil. Then drive to the Omega Institute- where I have to set up my tent and unpack before dinner. In the evening my workshop starts. I hope I am up for it.

I didn't go to pottery class today. There was no way I could get control of my emotions in time. Too many tears. I hadn't tried the Zyprexa yet. But I also realized the pottery is probably not my thing- it really isn't giving me joy. It is more of a stress. When this class is done, I will start playing my piano again. And if I want to take lessons in anything, it will be piano. That is my joy.

Today I'm not even hoping for joy- just to function and get done what I need to do to get packed and all. And hoping to make it through this week. I will bring a little extra Zyprexa in case I need it. I hope I don't. I hope I get something out of this vacation- I hope it isn't something else that I find myself going through the motions because I that is all I can do. And yet, even that would be a step about the vacations that I booked or planned and never went on because I was too depressed at the time.

Can a mindfulness workshop fix me? I am hoping yes. I don't want more meds. I don't want different meds- because I think that would mean feeling worse before I felt better, and I don't think I could handle that. And I don't know what else psychiatry has to offer.

1 comment:

Unknown said...

I think that the only way to get the generic brand you want is to call around every time you refill and ask what generic they are using at each place. I'm not positive on that but I think that is what I have read.

I also think that I used to push so hard to get to vacation that I very often was hit with an episode at vacation time because I just couldn't push anymore. Possible?