Tomorrow I am supposed to leave for vacation. Today I cannot stop crying. I broke down and took klonopin, which did not help that much- only made me sleepy. Then I broke down and took a little bit of Zyprexa, which did seem to help. And I realized that I am taking TEVA zyprexa again. It seems that whenever I switch back to the TEVA brand I seem to have problems and seem to need more Zyprexa. It seems like they keep switching my brand of Zyprexa- more so than anything else. The problem with generics is that they can all vary a little, so that the variation between any two can be significant. I wonder if there is a way to request certain generics- or at least not to receive certain brands of generics for a medication.
The klonopin was a mistake- I am too tired to do anything, but still not able to sleep. It didn't even knock me out. I need to pack. I need to do laundry. I was just desperate. Desperate enough to take a little Zyprexa, which is the only thing that has made me feel a little bit better. I just want to sleep- so that maybe then I can get some things done. I was going to get a haircut before I went. Not going to happen. And a pedicure. No, I'll just polish my own toes.
Tomorrow it the busy day- I have a massage in the morning that I forgot about- and too late to cancel. Maybe a good thing- I am having neck pain. Then I have to go into work to do paperwork. Then to Costco to pick up my Provigil. Then drive to the Omega Institute- where I have to set up my tent and unpack before dinner. In the evening my workshop starts. I hope I am up for it.
I didn't go to pottery class today. There was no way I could get control of my emotions in time. Too many tears. I hadn't tried the Zyprexa yet. But I also realized the pottery is probably not my thing- it really isn't giving me joy. It is more of a stress. When this class is done, I will start playing my piano again. And if I want to take lessons in anything, it will be piano. That is my joy.
Today I'm not even hoping for joy- just to function and get done what I need to do to get packed and all. And hoping to make it through this week. I will bring a little extra Zyprexa in case I need it. I hope I don't. I hope I get something out of this vacation- I hope it isn't something else that I find myself going through the motions because I that is all I can do. And yet, even that would be a step about the vacations that I booked or planned and never went on because I was too depressed at the time.
Can a mindfulness workshop fix me? I am hoping yes. I don't want more meds. I don't want different meds- because I think that would mean feeling worse before I felt better, and I don't think I could handle that. And I don't know what else psychiatry has to offer.