It's not that I don't love my dad- I just didn't have a Hallmark childhood. Did anyone? These Father's Day cards are so over the top, I can't believe that there are very many people who can really give them. I have to look through the Father's and Mother's day cards each year to find something simple, saying I love you, thank-you, happy father's/mother's day.
After some searching at CVS, I finally found a suitable card that didn't reference an idealized childhood and a superhero father. There weren't many of these. Except for the funny cards- but these don't seem to work for my dad. He doesn't like golf or watch sports or do any of the things that the funny cards reference. No cards for beekeeper fathers.
I also stopped at a farm stand to pick up strawberries and a blueberry pie. What I forgot to bring was my klonopin. Damn- shouldn't go anywhere without it, but I was taking things out of my purse yesterday and it must have fallen out. That meant that when my afternoon anxiety hit today I was on my own. I almost gave in and went home- but white knuckled it and stayed through dinner.
If I knew that just not taking it in the afternoons- and suffering through it- would mean that it would eventually go away and I wouldn't need that klonopin- and in a reasonable amount of time- then I would do it. But I don't know that. Maybe I am just suffering for nothing. And I'm not so young anymore- how long do I want to wait?
No- I think I will have to explain to my psychiatrist at my next visit that my klonopin use has gone from half a milligram a day to three quarters of a milligram a day, and hope that he will write me the script. I don't know him well enough to know if he is going to have a problem with this or not. He shouldn't. 15 years ago a doctor put me on 10mg a day during a manic episode, and I was on pretty high doses for a while after that. Maybe I need to tell him that story.
Otherwise, on the medication front, I had very good news today. I went to fill my Provigil at Costco. For the past few months it has been $450, and the price hasn't dropped. Today it was $276! I was sure at first that it was a mistake- maybe my doctor had written for once a day or 100mg pills or something- but no, it was correct. I am very happy.
I had some texts from my boss- who knows I did not make it to my vacation and why. She wants to know what I will tell the patients, who have been asking how my vacation is going. The story- her idea- is that I didn't go because my back got bad again. I guess I will go with it. I had been thinking maybe the "family emergency" story. I don't know. I hate having to say anything- but I do have to say something. I chat a lot with my patients. I don't know what the other staff knows.
I wish that I could see my therapist before I went back to work- but she was away last week. I'll see her Tuesday. I think I may not be stopping therapy. First- because of how I have been. And secondly, because it is more financially doable as the price of Provigil falls. I wonder how long until it goes lower- probably another 6 months.