Monday, June 23, 2014

I saw the doctor today

Of course today my temperature was better- still 99 degrees, higher than my normal, but it hardly qualified as a fever. My doctor got me in. I told her about my fever over the past few days and my joint pain. She took a lot of blood work. We'll see. At least it was validating to get some labs done. And she is finally testing me for iron overload as well.

But meanwhile I am feeling so crazy that I don't know what to do with myself. It is one thing to get myself to work at 5am- it is another to make myself do notes. I couldn't do it. I spent the time crying- and thinking that I am getting old. When you are young, no matter how bad things are- there is a certain hope that things could always change. I remember even being told I would grow out of various things like learning disabilities and moodiness. But I'm old enough to know that things are not going to change. And that things don't get better for any length of time. Life doesn't get easier- I don't get better at it. And that is what I mean when I say that I am old- I don't have the hope of the young. I don't have hope in the future.

I had thought that things were starting to get better before I got the fever on Thursday- and that seems to have sent me into a tailspin that I can't get out of. I want to think that if I just keep pushing, I'll come out of this. I don't want to give in and call my therapist because that costs money I haven't budgeted and I don't know what she can do anyway. I don't want to call my psychiatrist because I don't know what he can do- or what I want him to do.

Probably if I could make myself exercise it would help. But I am so exhausted I feel like I can't move.

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