Wednesday, June 4, 2014

I really need assisted living

I have had such crippling depressing this week- even worse than last. And then today at work I was really feeling like I needed coffee- and it was only 10am- and I decided to take my 2nd Provigil early- and my depression suddenly improved dramatically. And I realized what I had done. I had forgotten to put my Provigil into my morning med container for the week.

I keep all of my pill bottles in one place- so I normally don't forget anything. But the Provigil I take twice a day- so I keep the bottle in my purse. I have to remember to take the bottle from my purse and put the pills into the pill box each week when I do my meds- which I normally do. This week I forgot. There is a fix, of course- get an empty bottle and put some of the provigil in it from the bottle in my purse. Or even just have an empty provigil bottle with my other meds to remind me. I'm an OT- I can figure it out. I just have to know there is a problem.

It is funny- the past 3 days I have felt so overwhelmed at work, so tired, so burned out. I decided the problem was my job. My fantasies ran from changing jobs to running away to hike the Appalachian Trail to killing myself. I was also extremely anxious, and took more klonopin than I have in a while- which tells me that the Provigil is not the source of my anxiety.

I don't know that all will be well now that I have figured it out- in fact I am pretty sure that it won't be, as last week was a little rough. But hopefully it won't be this rough. I just felt so defeated this week. I would drive to work thinking I had nothing to live for. I went to my therapist last night and cried the whole time. I haven't done that in a while.

But the interesting question is: is this depression a withdrawal effect, or does it mean that Provigil is doing something good for my mood? Of course the question is moot, because I don't see myself going off of it any time soon. At least until Nuvigil goes generic. I would love not to have to take meds in the middle of the day.

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