They say that lithium is anti-suicidal. And while I have had some moments when I had really bad thoughts the last few days, I've been struck by how depressed I had be to get there. My suicidal thoughts are definitely not as strong as they usually are when I am this depressed. I've noticed this the past couple of weeks as my mood has gone downhill. Perhaps the worst of it has been hoping for a terminal illness or to be in a car crash- but really no plans to do anything.
I don't know if this is good or bad. I mean- it is good if it is good for me. I don't want it all to be coming from a pill, if all it does is keep me alive so that I can be depressed. That is just a little too specific of an effect and it freaks me out a little. But maybe it is not just a pill. Maybe my life is better, maybe something has changed. Maybe I have more hope.
I just have to contain this episode- and not let it get out of hand. I have to get my paperwork done. I have to try the acupuncture. I have to get to this new meetup group that starts this week. I have to find a new therapist. I have to go to church. I have to go to my dad's and swim. I have to get my meds settled- and stop taking that little extra Zyprexa, because it has me too spacy to function at my best. I need to exercise, to walk. I need to be around people.
I have to have it together in a week when I get back to work.
I have to try to see this depression as a gift, as an incentive to change my life- because what I am doing now is not working. Believe me, it is not very easy to see depression as a gift. And I'm usually too far gone to receive any lessons that it might have. I think (hope) this time is different. Which is why I am not calling my psychiatrist. What can he do for me except give me drugs?