Monday, June 9, 2014

Is it the lithium?

They say that lithium is anti-suicidal. And while I have had some moments when I had really bad thoughts the last few days, I've been struck by how depressed I had be to get there. My suicidal thoughts are definitely not as strong as they usually are when I am this depressed. I've noticed this the past couple of weeks as my mood has gone downhill. Perhaps the worst of it has been hoping for a terminal illness or to be in a car crash- but really no plans to do anything.

I don't know if this is good or bad. I mean- it is good if it is good for me. I don't want it all to be coming from a pill, if all it does is keep me alive so that I can be depressed. That is just a little too specific of an effect and it freaks me out a little. But maybe it is not just a pill. Maybe my life is better, maybe something has changed. Maybe I have more hope.

I just have to contain this episode- and not let it get out of hand. I have to get my paperwork done. I have to try the acupuncture. I have to get to this new meetup group that starts this week. I have to find a new therapist. I have to go to church. I have to go to my dad's and swim. I have to get my meds settled- and stop taking that little extra Zyprexa, because it has me too spacy to function at my best. I need to exercise, to walk. I need to be around people.

I have to have it together in a week when I get back to work.

I have to try to see this depression as a gift, as an incentive to change my life- because what I am doing now is not working. Believe me, it is not very easy to see depression as a gift. And I'm usually too far gone to receive any lessons that it might have. I think (hope) this time is different. Which is why I am not calling my psychiatrist. What can he do for me except give me drugs?

1 comment:

Unknown said...

It sounds like you are expecting a LOT from yourself in only a week. Don't forget that if you demand too much of yourself you not only won't get the rest you need while on vacation you also will just create unreasonable expectations for next week. You can only do what you can do (Dr. Mind quote: Do what you can do as you can do it) and that is what is sufficient for each day. You can't, unfortunately, set time lines for this illness and expect them to work.

I wish you had a Dr. Brain. She does so much more than throw meds at me and it helps. It's almost like having 2 therapists, just one of them prescribes meds and I see her less but can email her when I need her as well as call. (Which reminds me to call her secretary). But Dr. Brains are not common I'm afraid (I live in fear of the day she retires. I think she'll work until she's 90 if she can but I can't imagine a different kind of therapist.

Please take care of yourself and don't analyze so much. (Said by one who does the same thing but has a therapist pushing at her not to weekly or more).

Just Me