Friday, June 6, 2014

It only gets worse

Today was really bad. I was so close to saying some really inappropriate things at work- to co-workers, not to patients. And I may have a little to one person, but someone who was really being difficult. So it wasn't from left field, like my other statements would have been.

I have never needed a vacation more- only I think I have said that before. I can't help wondering if I am up to my vacation. I have to drive three hours (if the traffic is good), and set up my tent, and go to a 6 day workshop- with people. And a lot of structure during the day. And 90 minutes of meditation every morning. Either it will make me better or it will make me crazy. Not that I feel like I have too far to go to get there.

Work is definitely a stressor at this point. I know that in an ideal universe I would work fewer hours. Instead of 42.5 (including lunch) plus 2 to 5 hours a week extra for paperwork. It really should be 5 hours, then I wouldn't be so behind. But I'm not always that good.

I've thought of leaving- but I think I am here for another year and a half at least. Then my pension is vested- what little of it there is before they froze it. It will come out to 200$ a month, I think. Not a lot of money, but not something I'd like to leave behind. Plus, most of the time I do like my job.

But today I cried on the way home, after keeping my tears inside all day long. I've stopped crying, but inside it is still screaming. I took a quarter of a milligram of klonopin at lunch, I am not going to let myself take any more if I can help it. That can't be the answer- just to drug myself to sleep or oblivion. I have done that enough times in the past- death on the installment plan I used to call it.

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