I am not going on my vacation. I was all packed. I almost made it- but I had to finish up paperwork this weekend for work before I could go. Yesterday I didn't go in because I was feeling so terrible and took meds. Today I made it in- but the longer I stayed, the worse I felt- and eventually I got to the point where I was alternating with sobbing and thinking really awful thoughts. It was time to go home. I didn't finish my notes. I can't go. But I was in no state of mind to anyway- on the drive home, all I could think about was wanting to crash my car.
I will go in super early tomorrow to finish, before anyone comes in. I just couldn't handle seeing anyone from work. I don't want anyone to know I am not going on vacation.
I should probably call my therapist and see if I can get in this week. That just seems like failure, too. I could call my psychiatrist- but I don't think this is meds somehow, I just don't. I think it is life. And my life sucks.
But then it is a big circle. My life sucks because I am depressed. And I am depressed because my life sucks. How to break out of that? I haven't figured that one out.