Saturday, June 7, 2014

Death on the installment plan

I felt so awful today I just took drugs to numb me out and- for much of the day- knock me out.

Where did my DBT distress tolerance skills go? I was too distressed to even think about them. I could only think that I didn't want to live if I had to feel what I was feeling- and I couldn't die yet because my apartment is a mess and I'm not caught up on paperwork! So drugs. And if they can't get you through a bad day like today, then what are they there for?

I thought the weekend would be easier. It wasn't. Still lots of tears, which have finally stopped after taking a second bit of Zyprexa- and then sleeping for a long nap. I have woken up feeling much, much better. I'm not even sleepy anymore, just still have this drugged feeling. And I have to pack. I just put a load of laundry in- I think I can get by with 1 load for my trip.

I am determined that I am going on my trip. I can always leave if I have to. But I have to try. I have to go. Some years I have stayed home- and it is tempting. But it really could be good for me- "Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction" - is the workshop that I am going to. Plus there are optional yoga and tai chi and movement classes and lots of grounds to walk. And I don't have to cook- the food is provided, all vegetarian and healthy. Too bad I can't stay there longer.

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