I went back to work and realized that some things are better- but there is still a lot of depression there, and it was being away from work with no demands on me that made things seem even better than they were. Still, the irritability is gone- and that was getting so bad my last week of work. That is a relief. My concentration is better. I just still feel sad and hopeless and resigned- it is hard to explain.
I feel like- okay, I can function, and I really have to try to stay on top of things- but there is no joy in it. But it is my paycheck. So I am stuck. And I can't think of anything else that I want to do that pays the bills. I am just trying to get it all right and get things done. It doesn't matter how I feel.
And then I went home and got ice cream on the way home and ate the whole thing. This is not the way to live my life.
I know that what I am is burned out by the paperwork side of my job. It has gotten so much worse over the past year. I don't know if there is a way to take a more light hearted approach to it- to see it as a game, etc. I don't know. I have to try.
Money. If I had enough, would I really quit my job? Most days I would say no. But I would work part time.