Thursday, June 19, 2014

This was not psychiatric

I was having a mixed day today, but holding my own- until late afternoon when my mood got increasingly bad and I became extremely exhausted and unable to think. Then I started having very bad chills. Fortunately by that time my last patient had left, and I was just trying to do notes. I couldn't focus at all. Finally it occurred to me to go to my purse and get some aspirin and take it- and within a hour I the chills were improved and I could start to think again and I even did some notes. And no, they didn't have to carry me out to my car.

Unfortunately I did not get a chance to take my temperature before I took the aspirin- and when I got home it wasn't too bad. But I have no other symptoms than the feeling feverish, exhaustion, and loss of concentration/mood instability. Except the joint pain in my hands is bad today. I think this is all related. This is not the first time this has happened. And, like this time, it seems like it has often happened after I got a lot of sun, like I did yesterday- which makes me think lupus. But maybe I am just a hypochondriac.

I have been worked up for fatigue and unexplained fevers before and they never found anything except occasionally increased sed rate. I once had an unexplained rash on my face that looks like the butterfly rash- but it was only on one side of my face. Does that count? My doctor didn't know what it was at the time. And sometimes it hurts when I breath deep- but chest x-ray was negative. That can be a lupus symptom too. Also the chest pain I get that is relieved by repositioning my breast (so I think that it is not a heart attack). That can be pericarditis.

And if it is Lupus, so what? I obviously don't have a bad case. I just want answers. I want to be taken seriously. And I think I feel that if I had a medical illness- that would somehow be legitimate. Like having bipolar isn't a real enough reason to explain the difficulties I have in life- whether to myself or others. At least to others.

But if I wind up having both Lupus photosensitivity and Seasonal Affective Disorder, that will be the biggest irony.

I have to go back to my doctor- the one who I like but who also seems to think that it is her job to make me think that all my symptoms are nothing because they come and go and I am reading too much into things. Ot maybe I should just get a referral to a rheumatologist. The problem is that my upcoming vacation will put me into negative PTO, I really cannot take time off. But maybe I can rearrange my schedule.

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