My mood has only gone downhill, and I started feeling a really agitated depression this evening. I took my temperature- 99.4. Not very high, but still elevated, and maybe enough to be messing with my mood. This is really frustrating.
I am going to try to go to bed really early so I can get up early to go into work. And also because I really can't stand to be conscious for that much longer.
I am in a bad place- I am feeling sorry for myself. I hate it when I do that. The truth is, there is always someone who has it better than you, and always someone who has it worse than you. And you can choose how you want to look at things.
I feel like this fever-thing is really messing with my mind. I have not taken this much klonopin in years. But if it were serotonin syndrome, it should get worse after I take my meds. Instead, it gets worse in the evening- when I haven't taken meds all day long. Can you have a UTI or kidney infection with no pain? I don't know. Could it be Lupus? I don't know.
I don't care what it is. I want it to go away. I want to get on with my life. Such as my life is.
Tomorrow I am going to be very present and mindful with my paperwork and patients. That is the only way work is going to happen. If I have even the trace of a fever, I will call my doctor- but I suspect that in the morning I won't- it gets worse later in the day. I will try to make it work. I will try not to feel sorry for myself. What is, it is. We could have had all of our major cities wiped out by aliens as in "Falling Skies," which I have just discovered (I just watched three episodes on iTunes).
And I think that future generations- and I am likely to live long enough to see it- will be struggling with global warming and resource depletion and Peak oil in ways that will transform human existence in ways that most of us can't even imagine. So that does give me perspective. I am living in a blessed time: the age of oil, before the greenhouse effect got too out of control.
I don't know what is going to come after this time. And it won't come all it once: it will depend who you are, where you live. If you are an Australian Aboriginal living the indigenous way, you might not notice it at all.